Im no Palooza, Im goin' to Lolla

After lots of scrambling and begging, Ive finally come up with the money to go to Lollopalooza this year. I cant believe it:) I didnt think it would happen--Ive been trying to win tickets from WGNRadio for about 3 weeks now to no avail. I aslo wrote to every online community that was giving them out but no one ever answered me back. After I exhausted every attempt I thought I had I called my aunt and told her I would babysitt for the money. She was too excited when I told her this and right away I knew that she would abuse the opportunity (shes a classic slickster). However, I sucked it up and prepared myself for a late summer filled with The Wiggles, Barney, a two year old with the vocabulary of 1 billion words. On the bright side--I get to see RADIOHEAD!! "Huh?" you may be be asking yourself. Hell yea, Radiohead! I never thought they would tour again. The hope of it didnt even arise when I heard they were coming out with a new album In Rainbows. I figured it was just a long overdue release. I feel like this is fate or something. I cant even explain why I think so, its almost 4am and I cant even get my thoughts straight. Im just so psyched (big sigh). Ok, so heres a video. Enjoy and love Radiohead.

Let Down-Radiohead (good song)

I want some damn lipgloss

Sophmore year: Theresa is trying to catch me doing something funny. Doesnt quite work though.

________Baby Girls first kite_______

At lake Michigan with Pat, Kelsey and Mckenzie

Yeah...

Summer is just about over for me and I still dont have a job. Its times like this that i feel like an absolute failure. At least when I was in school I could hide behind my studies. But now....now I feel so naked and vunerable to criticism. Im tired of making promises to myself and never caring them out. Im tired of sitting back and letting life happen to me. Ive always been a dreamer. When I was 17 I dreamt of what life would be like as a 21 year old--having my own place? own car? JOB? But none of that has happend. And even now, I imagine that 25 will be much better and miraculously my life will come together like I had always planned. Im constantly living in the future--dreaming of and better me whilst forgetting of taking care of the now. Right NOW!

Im feeling sick just thinking about it. And I cant understand whats wrong with me. Sometimes I feel like Ive lost the will to succeed. Im only 21 and Ive got nothing to show for it besides a shitty 2.6 from a 3rd rate, over priced, state university. I cant even bare to think of where Ill be 10 years from now. Shit.

________ Im a creep....Im a weirdo_______

When you were here before,

Couldn't look you in the eye

You're just like an angel,

Your skin makes me cry

********

You float like a feather

In a beautiful world

I wish I was special

You're so fucking special

********

But I'm a creep,

I'm a weirdo

What the hell am I doin' here?

I don't belong here

********

I don't care if it hurts,

I wanna have control

I want a perfect body

I want a perfect soul

********

I want you to notice

when I'm not around

You're so fucking special

I wish I was special

********

But I'm a creep

I'm a weirdo

What the hell am I doin' here?

I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh

********

She's running out the door

She's running out

he run run run run...run...

********

Whatever makes you happy

Whatever you want

You're so fucking special

I wish I was special

********

But I'm a creep,

I'm a weirdo

What the hell am I doin' here?

I don't belong here

********

I don't belong here...

I could die right now.

This my favorite scene from my favorite movie--Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Beautiful.

Im ok now

After some cooling down I like to say that, by no means is outward appearance an measure of true beauty. And although Id like to agree why black women are just as beautiful as anyone it still wouldnt matter. Beauty is not the only thing that matters in a person and to merely pick at someones appearance as to place value is dispicable.

If you can make it, please read the entire thing.

I NEED FEEBACK

Sometimes I feel like a child, unable to regulate or articulate my emotions . This is because I feel so passionately about certain subjects and often am overtaken with anger or zeal while in the midst of explaing myself. Often this includes matters such as race and religion and sexual orientation or politics which is why I tend to become closed mouth (and some would agree that this is a good idea).

I recently came across a video on Youtube of a black male trying to defend a comment he made in a previous video. I assume the comment went something like "there were nothing but unattractive black women at the club I went to last night". Now, without being overly sensitive, I took an unbiased attutide as I prepared to listen to his explaination. But in the end, the only feeling I was left with was disappointment and hurt. It wasnt so much what the fellow was saying, because I try not to let the opinions of others affect my mood and general chipper frame of mind. But what got to me was the praise he recieved in the posted comments below his blatent offensive rant. It lead me to believe that this was the way of thinking of losts of black men. Usually, when I find someone offensive I write them off as closed minded and the offensive comment not worth tending to. I said to my that maybe he just came across some ugly girls, but the longer his rant went on the more odious and generalized his comments became. So, in this case, I owe it to myself to speak up.
(Just so you know, I will post the video after the end of this post so that you can be the judge).

The guy (who we will call Srgt Willie) made several points throughout his 10 min post. I will list them as follows.

1) "Black women are insecure." He goes on to say that black women wouldnt be so offended by his "unattractive" comment if they had secure self attitudes. But in our defense, I must ask "Why do we have to be secure?" It may seem like a stupid question, but lots of women, from all races, are'nt confident, which is OK. But not all women (unlike black women) are faced with the extreme pressures of the ideal beauty. And according to this ideal beauty--black women are its exact opposite. Is there no wonder why we may be a tad insecure? I feel that all throughout the media we see one image constantly being reinforced. Its sickening. We even see this in Hip Hop or Rap videos, which mostly speaks to the African American experience. In these videos the love interests (most of the time) are either mixed or Latino women. Im not trying to sound preachy but merely point out that it gets overwhelming sometimes. Why do we have be so strong and overcome societal pressures to the point where our feelings can't be hurt when someone makes an abhorrent statment against us. Its unfair and we shouldnt critisized by not always being rocks.

2) "There is ugly in every race, but what I realize about black women is that-they arent even trying." He proceeds to claim that because these said "unattracted" women KNOW that they are ugly, they dont even make an effort to look beautiful. According to him, these girls exit the house with no makeup (because they MUST have on makeup!); they wear clothes that are too tight; they have bad skin and their hair is a mess. Now, dont get me wrong, I do understand that he is speaking about the women he ran across in a particular club, but as his rant ran on, he seemed to be making the point that this is a major problem among black women. I have seen people of all races in public as he decribed (women AND men). But for some reason it is more triffling for black women to do this. So, I have to ask: Why is it so bad when we do it as well? Is it worse when an "ugly" girl doesnt do anything to fix herself up? That sounds like youre saying that shes adding insult to injury which forces me to ask "Whats the injury?" I dont know if Im coming across clearly or not, but, since when does clothes and makeup make a person attractive? Ive seen many peopke who didnt dress attractive but were lookers. Not to sound like a bitch, but to make a point I have to say, YOU CANT CHANGE UGLY. So instead of going off on how wrong their clothes are and their lack of makeup this guy should deal with some obvious deeply rooted issue he has with black women.

(QUICK INTERJECTION)

When I got to this point of the video i was about ready to turn it off, but instead I decided to go to his profile on Youtube. He had about 60 videos and by the their titles I could tell right off the bat what I was dealing with. Now, I try not to accuse black men of bashing black women because we all have our own experiences and there are reasons for why say what we do. But in his case it was apprent that he was dissatified with black women in general. This is the impression that I got. His videos ranged from his therory as to why about black women wearing weaves to how he couldnt see himself settling down with one. At this point I decided not to take him seriously but I still wanted to make this entry for all those out there who dont have a grugde but hold his beliefs that he expressed in his video post.

3) "I hate the comment 'She's pretty for a black girl' but I must agree." Oh, this is that age old saying. The one that makes me so sad to hear and to be honest, Im so tired of wrting. My fingers hurt and I just dont have the energy. However, I will post his video. I want your feedback and if I get enough responses I'd like to do a follow up post.

til then, enjoy the awesome video!

Random 4th of July pics

Sydney with Diamond Girl

Pat and I

Not a very flattering picture of Pat or Ashley

Me

I'm not very sure what was supposed to represent the 4th of July in these pictures, but they are all I've got.

Summer '07

Oh, this was a great day. Theresa and I wanted to make our own video to the Breeders-Cannonbal. We only got 53 secs through it though. Maybe we should finish it.