Thursday, May 25, 2006

I want so badly to be seen as someone who has a good head on her shoulders. I try to practice good habits and I try not to be silly but it never seems to work out. Im never truly being myself. I write these blogs, thinking, hoping that someone will read them. I wish that after they're done they would feel some kind of cosmic connection with me. But the truth is, I dont even have a connection with myself. I feel so detached from all space and time. Its like Im looking back at myself and seeing someone wearing this Jessica mask, and I say to "Hey! She's stolen my clothes!" Its all very silly really, but its seems that everytime I look in the mirror I dont recognize the eyes staring back at me...or through me. I can image that murderers or rapists dont like mirrors. I can image that if they ever saw themselves while they committed their dirty act, that they would go crazy or would be sent into a raging fit. Maybe they would snap out of it and flee. There's nothing like seeing yourself in the mirror doing something horrible that'll freeze you in your tracks and send you running in the opposite direction. Im speaking from experience of course. I dont know how I got off on this tangent, but anyway, Im gonna try to be real, although, Im not sure that Im being fake. How can I say the words that I do and not mean them? Ive come to realize that my words are how I want to feel, they are where I want to be, but I just dont think Im there yet. I always wondered about that. How could someone say something so beautiful and honest but be a liar? How is that possible? I figure that if you're able to speak those words then you've surely got mean them.

I should do some reflecting and try to figure myself out.

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