With my own hands trembling. I wipe the sweat from her brown. You dont even know how alike we are darling. You feel alone.
Ode to Ashley.
I love you, my lost little bear. One day you and I will be sure of ourselves. And we will frolic, merrily, happily, shamelessly.
Did you ever feel like you were perfect on the outside? And had wonderful ideas and a crafty mind? But for some reason they could never manifest themselves? I fee like that Ashely. Do you share that with me?
You may feel abandoned, but I am always with you. I am you. And i feel for you, and I know your pain.
Sweet Ashley, who am I trying to convince? What do I want? I dont know what to just get out of this country, but this world. Give me a softer world. One with padding on its edges. Because I cant fall again and hurt myself.
So, its official. Im taking next semester off to work full time and settle my debts. Ive never had a job before, and Im terrified. I have this ridiculous fear of failure. Freshmen year I turned that fear into a Self_Fulfilling Prophecy and flunked out. I can't let this happen this time. It doesnt take a genius to work at Target, lol. And its ok if I mess up. Thats what training is for. I need to start looking for a job now actually. Ive been putting it off, fooling my self by staying busy with my studies. I have been doing my best this semester though. My grades may be as follows: Stats-A; Social Psyc-A; Thinking-A; Brain-A or B; German-B. Thats the best Ive ever done and Im so proud of myself. Ugh, I hate when I babble on like this. Im gonna stop right here and go on to something else.
I dont know whats going on, but lately (the past 2 months or so) I havent been moved by sound. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am in love with music, I am addicted to sound. Good sound. Pure sound. But for some reason--not anymore. I figured it was a stage i was going though; Im too busy, or too involved with Patrick, but now that things have slowed down, my music habits havent picked up. Im not worried, or even concerned. Im just waiting until it will come back to me. And i wont force myself to listen to it, because then it wouldnt be pure love. Am I making any sense? Lol, this is why I dont write. I just end up confusing myself.
I wonder how productive this week will be. At first I was on top of everything- except Philosophy (that class is still kicking my ass). But now things have slowed down, and I have become more passive about my student duties. I'm not worried yet though, because its only the beginning of the semester and I'm still finding my grove. Besides, nothing can be as bad as it was last year. Depression had me by the throught and it wouldnt let up, not even for one breath. Im glad I've found outlets though; writing, reading (oh yes, Im so terribly happy that I read again!) and of course my beautiful, sensitive, and immensly moving music. What would I do without these things? Adapt, I suppose. I can't imagine being without them now, but I'm sure I'd be able to do it.
Sometimes I feel so beautiful and I feel like life is so beautiful, and sometimes I actually believe it.
A couple of weeks ago after Philosophy, I walked onto this grassy knoll and just sprawled out. I laid my jacket down, then my big red purse and rested my head on them. Thats when Thome York and Bjork came on with "I've seen it all". This song is so beautiful and the sky was beautiful and my skin was so sun-kissed and warm. I was flat on my back and people were kinda walking around me but I couldn't move and I couldnt take my eyes off the sky. It was so massive and I felt so close to it. As the song ran on I felt the wind shoot through my body. That warm big beautiful wind filled me up so. I could barely hold on to myself, so I had to dig into the earth for support. I could feel it; working its way under my nails. Tingling, wet. I believe I had an orgasm; the most beautiful thing you can expereince with the earth. It was so lovely. Afterwards, I wasn't exhausted, not as if I have made love. I wasn't energized either. I was just there, trembeling, warm and wrapped up in the wind. My mind was so still, it was my body that was going crazy...and I let it. I just lay there soaking up the world and its magnificance. Oh, it felt like God was running through my veins and I haven't felt that in so long.
So this whole summer has passed and I haven't even managed to write a hand full of entries. But no worries, when I get back to school in a week or so and the traffic in my life resumes I shall have plenty to tell you. Now I know I never write to you this way; recounting the steps of my days sort of way, but I feel I must do so now. I have so much bottled up. I wont drone on and on, I'll just list a few moments that made these last 4 months amazing.
Lollapalooza: Where I got to see my favorites: Interpol, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Regina Spektor, Spoon, and The Roots. It was amazing. One of the best performances of them all were The Roots. They were so engaging and personable.
The one show I enjoyed the most however was Interpol. They opened with Pioneer to the Falls (beautiful) off of ther Our Love to Admire album. Imagine: Night time in downtown Chicago. Youre right on the lake front and rain begins to trickle as the band makes their entrance. As the oh so enchanting melodic guitar riffs of lead bassist Carlos Dengler rings and diffuses throughout the park. Then it begins to pour and you close your eyes and throw your head back as the vocals of Paul Banks wash over you. It was one of the most amazing times of my life. My very first concert and it was Lollapalooza!
After I returned Borat this evening (which I didnt even watch) I headed over to Starbucks. I always forget how much I love it there. I had my favorite dish: Strawberries and Cream drink and sausage egg and cheese muffin. Mmmmmm Starbucks.
After much crying and brief reflection I have come to this somber conclusion. You can only expect people to treat you as well as you treat yourself. You can not expect for them to see the beauty in you. You must see it in yourself first. You must demand respect even though you dont feel you deserve it.
The reason why this is somber to me is because my whole life Ive been treated as though I was the most servile and disgusting creature on earth. And now I see thats because I didn't give two shits about myself.
I must demand respect even if I'm scared. Even from those I love.
I am 20 years old and I have never had a boyfriend. This is the most pathetic thing I have ever admitted. Im sure I can come up with worse but at this moment of my life it seems to be the only thing that matters. I am trying terribly hard to be patient, but sometimes I dont think I can take it.
I just want to be held and loved. I know some people wait their whole lives for this, I bet most of whom are married. I want someone to be my one and only. I want to be someones. I know hes out there...and probably thinking of me too.
My man is out there somewhere...waiting for me. He is not complete just yet and neither am I. And when we meet we'll know. Just like in that song...or that movie...or that poem. When we know right away. When people around us will know.
I have seen 20 Winters, 20 Falls, Summers and Springs. But I havent seen everything. I believe this is a pivital moment in my life. Im not going to start over, but continue. Im growing, Im loving, Im feeling. Ive realized that I regret little.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.