i like this one

wow, who knew she was a singer too?

Charlotte Gainsbourg

Wow

Racial threats. School on lockdown. Cancelled finals. 2 inches of ice.

oh god

Dorsal-root ganglia?

Somatosensory System?

Substantia nigra?

Homonculus....???

I cant wait to be done with Intro to Brain 300

Omg Denver!!!

A goofy piece of my childhood. 15 years ago, and I never forgot these words.

trans europe express

A Softer World

With my own hands trembling.
I wipe the sweat from her brown.
You dont even know how alike we are darling.
You feel alone.

Ode to Ashley.

I love you, my lost little bear.
One day you and I will be sure of ourselves.
And we will frolic, merrily, happily, shamelessly.

Did you ever feel like you were perfect on the outside?
And had wonderful ideas and a crafty mind?
But for some reason they could never manifest themselves?
I fee like that Ashely.
Do you share that with me?

You may feel abandoned, but I am always with you.
I am you. And i feel for you, and I know your pain.

Sweet Ashley, who am I trying to convince?
What do I want?
I dont know what to just get out of this country, but this world.
Give me a softer world.
One with padding on its edges.
Because I cant fall again and hurt myself.

So, its official. Im taking next semester off to work full time and settle my debts. Ive never had a job before, and Im terrified. I have this ridiculous fear of failure. Freshmen year I turned that fear into a Self_Fulfilling Prophecy and flunked out. I can't let this happen this time. It doesnt take a genius to work at Target, lol. And its ok if I mess up. Thats what training is for. I need to start looking for a job now actually. Ive been putting it off, fooling my self by staying busy with my studies. I have been doing my best this semester though. My grades may be as follows: Stats-A; Social Psyc-A; Thinking-A; Brain-A or B; German-B. Thats the best Ive ever done and Im so proud of myself. Ugh, I hate when I babble on like this. Im gonna stop right here and go on to something else.

I dont know whats going on, but lately (the past 2 months or so) I havent been moved by sound. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am in love with music, I am addicted to sound. Good sound. Pure sound. But for some reason--not anymore. I figured it was a stage i was going though; Im too busy, or too involved with Patrick, but now that things have slowed down, my music habits havent picked up. Im not worried, or even concerned. Im just waiting until it will come back to me. And i wont force myself to listen to it, because then it wouldnt be pure love. Am I making any sense? Lol, this is why I dont write. I just end up confusing myself.

Ugh, I love this song. Especially done by Katie

Moon River

Last weekend was amazing. I loved waking up to his soft lips and and warm hugs. It was like falling in love all over again. I wonder what I'll get for Christmas. Maybe a freak fest? lol

I love being suprised.

This was surprisingly amazing.

Dan in Real Life

God...

Im so lack luster right now.

I want something to blow me away.

12 years old when I loved this song.

An old entry I found while flipping through my journal.

10. 10. 06

I wonder how productive this week will be. At first I was on top of everything- except Philosophy (that class is still kicking my ass). But now things have slowed down, and I have become more passive about my student duties. I'm not worried yet though, because its only the beginning of the semester and I'm still finding my grove. Besides, nothing can be as bad as it was last year. Depression had me by the throught and it wouldnt let up, not even for one breath. Im glad I've found outlets though; writing, reading (oh yes, Im so terribly happy that I read again!) and of course my beautiful, sensitive, and immensly moving music. What would I do without these things? Adapt, I suppose. I can't imagine being without them now, but I'm sure I'd be able to do it.

Sometimes I feel so beautiful and I feel like life is so beautiful, and sometimes I actually believe it.

A couple of weeks ago after Philosophy, I walked onto this grassy knoll and just sprawled out. I laid my jacket down, then my big red purse and rested my head on them. Thats when Thome York and Bjork came on with "I've seen it all". This song is so beautiful and the sky was beautiful and my skin was so sun-kissed and warm. I was flat on my back and people were kinda walking around me but I couldn't move and I couldnt take my eyes off the sky. It was so massive and I felt so close to it. As the song ran on I felt the wind shoot through my body. That warm big beautiful wind filled me up so. I could barely hold on to myself, so I had to dig into the earth for support. I could feel it; working its way under my nails. Tingling, wet. I believe I had an orgasm; the most beautiful thing you can expereince with the earth. It was so lovely. Afterwards, I wasn't exhausted, not as if I have made love. I wasn't energized either. I was just there, trembeling, warm and wrapped up in the wind. My mind was so still, it was my body that was going crazy...and I let it. I just lay there soaking up the world and its magnificance. Oh, it felt like God was running through my veins and I haven't felt that in so long.

I know its early but I can't help it.

Ive been obsessed with this song ever since palooza.

Interpol: Evil

Goodness! They distroyed one of my favorite songs :(

This is so sad :( I want their f-ing heads for this!

Lollapalooza '07

So this whole summer has passed and I haven't even managed to write a hand full of entries. But no worries, when I get back to school in a week or so and the traffic in my life resumes I shall have plenty to tell you. Now I know I never write to you this way; recounting the steps of my days sort of way, but I feel I must do so now. I have so much bottled up. I wont drone on and on, I'll just list a few moments that made these last 4 months amazing.

Lollapalooza: Where I got to see my favorites: Interpol, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Regina Spektor, Spoon, and The Roots.
It was amazing. One of the best performances of them all were The Roots. They were so engaging and personable.

The one show I enjoyed the most however was Interpol. They opened with Pioneer to the Falls (beautiful) off of ther Our Love to Admire album. Imagine: Night time in downtown Chicago. Youre right on the lake front and rain begins to trickle as the band makes their entrance. As the oh so enchanting melodic guitar riffs of lead bassist Carlos Dengler rings and diffuses throughout the park. Then it begins to pour and you close your eyes and throw your head back as the vocals of Paul Banks wash over you. It was one of the most amazing times of my life. My very first concert and it was Lollapalooza!

beep...

These are a few of my favortite things...

Current
Starbucks
Jazz
Travel
Photography
Newspapers
Novels
Film
Sound
Bubbles!

Mmmmm Starbucks

After I returned Borat this evening (which I didnt even watch) I headed over to Starbucks. I always forget how much I love it there. I had my favorite dish: Strawberries and Cream drink and sausage egg and cheese muffin. Mmmmmm Starbucks.

Hyponscope! The Newest Breakthrough in Terror!

New Lesson

Do what you love.

Waking Life: Language

My Feelings Around Us

Nervous
Sick
Scared
Annoyed
Ugly

Stooges Logic

a little joke made in Math 101 yesterday


Larry: I couldn't say 'Yes' and I could'nt say 'No'.

Curly: Could you say 'Maybe'?

Larry: I might

Moe: [Hits them both on the head]

lol

The ongoing "WOW" is happening right NOW.

A Surprise Fortune from China One

After much crying and brief reflection I have come to this somber conclusion. You can only expect people to treat you as well as you treat yourself. You can not expect for them to see the beauty in you. You must see it in yourself first. You must demand respect even though you dont feel you deserve it.

The reason why this is somber to me is because my whole life Ive been treated as though I was the most servile and disgusting creature on earth. And now I see thats because I didn't give two shits about myself.

I must demand respect even if I'm scared. Even from those I love.

I have started on my book. Ive been thinking of a theme for years now and it always seems to come back to center around sex. So thats what Im going with. Wish me luck!

Possible titles:

Thought of Highly
I go
We share Pillows
By Proxy
New Bones in your Closet

freshmen year creativity

Damn I loved that room

Devotchka

No longer shall you need.
You always wanted to believe,
Just ask and you'll receive,
Beyond your wildest dreams.

And You Already know.
Yeah, you already know
How this will end...

One and only

I am 20 years old and I have never had a boyfriend. This is the most pathetic thing I have ever admitted. Im sure I can come up with worse but at this moment of my life it seems to be the only thing that matters. I am trying terribly hard to be patient, but sometimes I dont think I can take it.

I just want to be held and loved. I know some people wait their whole lives for this, I bet most of whom are married. I want someone to be my one and only. I want to be someones. I know hes out there...and probably thinking of me too.

My man is out there somewhere...waiting for me. He is not complete just yet and neither am I. And when we meet we'll know. Just like in that song...or that movie...or that poem. When we know right away. When people around us will know.

I am thinking of you my man.

I am infinite

R.I.P Krispy

Beloved cat and companion

...

sometimes I think I'm happy.

Love Profusion

There are too many questions
There is not one solution
There is no resurrection
There is so much confusion

And the love profusion
You make me feel
You make me know
And the love vibration
You make me feel
You make it shine

There are too many options
There is no consolation
I have lost my illusions
What I want is an explanation

And the love profusion
You make me feel
You make me know
And the love direction
You make me feel
You make me shine

There is no comprehension
There is real isolation
There is so much destruction
What I want is a ce

Photo by Astrid Lee , titled "Physical Heart"

A magnificent concrete jungle...



The city is alive, and her name is Chicago.

So you're saying time is a personal...emotional thing?

your heart...

is like a clock measuring time...

and one's emotional state determines the flow of time.

It speeds it up or slows it down.

It's true.

Don't bad things always seem to last longer than good?

But good things seem to just fly by...

like the best times in life.

Like... falling in love.

I Feel

That something amazing is going to happen...

never ask a boy what hes thinking :(

You're always in my head.

And I want you there. Lets dwell....

right there.

When I'm a Grandmother, Im gonna sit back and laugh at all of this shite!

The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand

one of my favorite passages...

Toohey: Mr. Roark, we're alone here. Why don'tyou tell me what you think of me. In any words you wish. No one will hear us.

Roark: But I don't think of you.

[Toohey's face had an expression of attentiveness, of listening quietly to something as simple as fate. He remained silent, and Roark asked:]

Roark: What did you want me to say?

[Toohey looked at him, and then at the bare trees around them, at the river far below, at the great rise of the sky beyond the river.]

Toohey: Nothing

[He walked away, his steps creaking on the gravel in the silence, sharp and even, like the cracks of an engines;s pistons. Roark stood alone in the empty driveway, looking at the building.]

My Dear John

Im so glad i broke my own rules. Because now i know.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Today I am 20.

I have seen 20 Winters, 20 Falls, Summers and Springs. But I havent seen everything. I believe this is a pivital moment in my life. Im not going to start over, but continue. Im growing, Im loving, Im feeling. Ive realized that I regret little.

I Love Theresa

I am powerful .I am beautiful .I am intelligent .I am loyal .I can find love .I WILL be fruitful

I will be happy...

This is my year. This is my year. This is my life. This is the year to change my life!

I want to LIVE in those trees

Powerful words from a Powerful Woman

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that
we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be
brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as
we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

Remember:

The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever.

ISAIAH 40:8