Sunday, November 09, 2008

Ok, so now that i have finally calmed down I can say PRAISE THE LORD!

Never thought it would have. Never thought it COULD happen. Lol, Im still speechless. Can you believe that? Barack Obama is the President of the United States and I along with millions of my other fellow Americans made that happen. In 2004 9% of the Democratic vote was young people. Even though we registed in record numbers (as usually) we didnt turn out. But oh Lord did they (Repulicans) underestimate us this year. 1/3 of the Democratic vote was made up of young folks. Thats 33%! That was me...and my girlfriends at 6:30 in the morning. I cant even get my thoughts together right now. I just wanna say thank you Jesus, change has come!

Here are a few pics of us at the poll that morning.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween!!

Vote Obama 2008!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia

One of my favorite shows. Funniest shit ever!

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Dear BlogGal

Im sorry. I didnt mean to hurt you. Im sorry that I judged you and couldnt even back my words up:( You would never do that to me. I wont interfere ever again.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Im no Palooza, Im goin' to Lolla

After lots of scrambling and begging, Ive finally come up with the money to go to Lollopalooza this year. I cant believe it:) I didnt think it would happen--Ive been trying to win tickets from WGNRadio for about 3 weeks now to no avail. I aslo wrote to every online community that was giving them out but no one ever answered me back. After I exhausted every attempt I thought I had I called my aunt and told her I would babysitt for the money. She was too excited when I told her this and right away I knew that she would abuse the opportunity (shes a classic slickster). However, I sucked it up and prepared myself for a late summer filled with The Wiggles, Barney, a two year old with the vocabulary of 1 billion words. On the bright side--I get to see RADIOHEAD!! "Huh?" you may be be asking yourself. Hell yea, Radiohead! I never thought they would tour again. The hope of it didnt even arise when I heard they were coming out with a new album In Rainbows. I figured it was just a long overdue release. I feel like this is fate or something. I cant even explain why I think so, its almost 4am and I cant even get my thoughts straight. Im just so psyched (big sigh). Ok, so heres a video. Enjoy and love Radiohead.

Let Down-Radiohead (good song)

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I want some damn lipgloss

Sophmore year: Theresa is trying to catch me doing something funny. Doesnt quite work though.

________Baby Girls first kite_______

At lake Michigan with Pat, Kelsey and Mckenzie

Sunday, July 13, 2008


Summer is just about over for me and I still dont have a job. Its times like this that i feel like an absolute failure. At least when I was in school I could hide behind my studies. But I feel so naked and vunerable to criticism. Im tired of making promises to myself and never caring them out. Im tired of sitting back and letting life happen to me. Ive always been a dreamer. When I was 17 I dreamt of what life would be like as a 21 year old--having my own place? own car? JOB? But none of that has happend. And even now, I imagine that 25 will be much better and miraculously my life will come together like I had always planned. Im constantly living in the future--dreaming of and better me whilst forgetting of taking care of the now. Right NOW!

Im feeling sick just thinking about it. And I cant understand whats wrong with me. Sometimes I feel like Ive lost the will to succeed. Im only 21 and Ive got nothing to show for it besides a shitty 2.6 from a 3rd rate, over priced, state university. I cant even bare to think of where Ill be 10 years from now. Shit.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

________ Im a creep....Im a weirdo_______

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special
But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh
She's running out the door
She's running out
he run run run
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here...

Thursday, July 10, 2008

I could die right now.

This my favorite scene from my favorite movie--Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.


Saturday, July 05, 2008

Im ok now

After some cooling down I like to say that, by no means is outward appearance an measure of true beauty. And although Id like to agree why black women are just as beautiful as anyone it still wouldnt matter. Beauty is not the only thing that matters in a person and to merely pick at someones appearance as to place value is dispicable.

If you can make it, please read the entire thing.


Sometimes I feel like a child, unable to regulate or articulate my emotions . This is because I feel so passionately about certain subjects and often am overtaken with anger or zeal while in the midst of explaing myself. Often this includes matters such as race and religion and sexual orientation or politics which is why I tend to become closed mouth (and some would agree that this is a good idea).

I recently came across a video on Youtube of a black male trying to defend a comment he made in a previous video. I assume the comment went something like "there were nothing but unattractive black women at the club I went to last night". Now, without being overly sensitive, I took an unbiased attutide as I prepared to listen to his explaination. But in the end, the only feeling I was left with was disappointment and hurt. It wasnt so much what the fellow was saying, because I try not to let the opinions of others affect my mood and general chipper frame of mind. But what got to me was the praise he recieved in the posted comments below his blatent offensive rant. It lead me to believe that this was the way of thinking of losts of black men. Usually, when I find someone offensive I write them off as closed minded and the offensive comment not worth tending to. I said to my that maybe he just came across some ugly girls, but the longer his rant went on the more odious and generalized his comments became. So, in this case, I owe it to myself to speak up.
(Just so you know, I will post the video after the end of this post so that you can be the judge).

The guy (who we will call Srgt Willie) made several points throughout his 10 min post. I will list them as follows.

1) "Black women are insecure." He goes on to say that black women wouldnt be so offended by his "unattractive" comment if they had secure self attitudes. But in our defense, I must ask "Why do we have to be secure?" It may seem like a stupid question, but lots of women, from all races, are'nt confident, which is OK. But not all women (unlike black women) are faced with the extreme pressures of the ideal beauty. And according to this ideal beauty--black women are its exact opposite. Is there no wonder why we may be a tad insecure? I feel that all throughout the media we see one image constantly being reinforced. Its sickening. We even see this in Hip Hop or Rap videos, which mostly speaks to the African American experience. In these videos the love interests (most of the time) are either mixed or Latino women. Im not trying to sound preachy but merely point out that it gets overwhelming sometimes. Why do we have be so strong and overcome societal pressures to the point where our feelings can't be hurt when someone makes an abhorrent statment against us. Its unfair and we shouldnt critisized by not always being rocks.

2) "There is ugly in every race, but what I realize about black women is that-they arent even trying." He proceeds to claim that because these said "unattracted" women KNOW that they are ugly, they dont even make an effort to look beautiful. According to him, these girls exit the house with no makeup (because they MUST have on makeup!); they wear clothes that are too tight; they have bad skin and their hair is a mess. Now, dont get me wrong, I do understand that he is speaking about the women he ran across in a particular club, but as his rant ran on, he seemed to be making the point that this is a major problem among black women. I have seen people of all races in public as he decribed (women AND men). But for some reason it is more triffling for black women to do this. So, I have to ask: Why is it so bad when we do it as well? Is it worse when an "ugly" girl doesnt do anything to fix herself up? That sounds like youre saying that shes adding insult to injury which forces me to ask "Whats the injury?" I dont know if Im coming across clearly or not, but, since when does clothes and makeup make a person attractive? Ive seen many peopke who didnt dress attractive but were lookers. Not to sound like a bitch, but to make a point I have to say, YOU CANT CHANGE UGLY. So instead of going off on how wrong their clothes are and their lack of makeup this guy should deal with some obvious deeply rooted issue he has with black women.


When I got to this point of the video i was about ready to turn it off, but instead I decided to go to his profile on Youtube. He had about 60 videos and by the their titles I could tell right off the bat what I was dealing with. Now, I try not to accuse black men of bashing black women because we all have our own experiences and there are reasons for why say what we do. But in his case it was apprent that he was dissatified with black women in general. This is the impression that I got. His videos ranged from his therory as to why about black women wearing weaves to how he couldnt see himself settling down with one. At this point I decided not to take him seriously but I still wanted to make this entry for all those out there who dont have a grugde but hold his beliefs that he expressed in his video post.

3) "I hate the comment 'She's pretty for a black girl' but I must agree." Oh, this is that age old saying. The one that makes me so sad to hear and to be honest, Im so tired of wrting. My fingers hurt and I just dont have the energy. However, I will post his video. I want your feedback and if I get enough responses I'd like to do a follow up post.

til then, enjoy the awesome video!

Random 4th of July pics

Sydney with Diamond Girl

Pat and I

Not a very flattering picture of Pat or Ashley


I'm not very sure what was supposed to represent the 4th of July in these pictures, but they are all I've got.

Summer '07

Oh, this was a great day. Theresa and I wanted to make our own video to the Breeders-Cannonbal. We only got 53 secs through it though. Maybe we should finish it.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Face Value

Over the decades there has been a standard of the ideal woman and now, with the help of the media, we are beat over the head with this idea of “beauty”. And because of that our subconscious is invaded and we are overwhelmed with the feelings of shame and inadequacy. It started off with our beloved Barbie, a slender, white, blue-eyed female with unrealistic curves and a disproportionate bust. If she were a real person, the original Barbie doll's measurements would have been an incredible 39-18-33. Her tiny waist and width of her back would allow insufficient leverage to withstand the weight of her bust. I don’t know anyone who fits that mold, and, according to research conducted by UCLA health department, this physique is impossible to obtain let alone maintain. Initially, Barbie was supposed to be an inspirational figure, used to represent equality and to enforce the idea that girls could be whatever they wanted. However, recently Barbie's presence in the life of an American girl has been said to be a negative influence. Many groups say that young girls may set the doll as their model, leading to issues with body image and gender role insercurities later in life. Now, it is only human nature for one to take a greater liking to beauty; things that are pleasing to the eye, but, when we say someone is beautiful what exactly do we mean? Are we talking about full lips and a high cheek bone, or spaced eyes and a sharp jaw line? Everytime I open my mouth to profess someone else's beauty I ponder this. I dont know exaclty what makes them beautiful to me, or what makes me feel less beautiful than them, but I do know that I’m not the only one feeling this way. Millions of girls in the United States today face the dilemma of being held to unrealistic standard.

In March of 2006 I had a revelation. As a nation we are not being exposed to a plethora of beauty. As I sat on my flimsy cot of a bed in my dorm room I flipped through the pages of an old Seventeen magazine. I sat there for a moment, eyes glazed over, letting the artificial fluff of make-up, and fingernail polish and lip gloss take me over; “Be silky, sexy, and brilliant” they say. Everywhere I looked there were “self improvement” tips, guidelines, information, instructions, commands, orders. I felt like I was being pressured into being someone I wasn’t. I began to feel anxious and insecure as I stared at perfect figures that lay before me. What I was mostly bothered by was that not only were these girls supposedly “perfect” but, they were nothing like me. I couldn’t compare myself to them in any way. They were petite white females while I am a robust African American woman. I was bombarded with images of everything that I wasn’t, and it sucked. If I could only compare myself to someone who was more like me I could find more comfort. I was so turned off and disgusted after seeing this was uncompelled to purchase anything I saw thereafter.

In most best selling magazines other races beauty is not emphasized. When I flipped through the pages of the magazine, I rarely saw Black, Asian, or Latina women as a symbol of beauty. Now I’m sure that this is not always the case, but their presence in this magazine and several others I hurriedly flipped through afterward were obviously absent. Whenever there was a beautiful person of color shown they were usually included with a group of multicultural women, and even then a white female was almost always the central figure.
I am trying to make two points here. I want to see more realistic depiction of our women today, and, a more diverse selection of models. These models are supposed to be relatable to us. Others agree that people don’t want to see the average everyday female and these models give of something to aspire to. Ok, this may be true, but I also know that for a person to see themselves buying the product being advertised, they have to relate to the model in some way. Advertisers know this, which baffles me. It’s unethical for them to sell us this. Personally, when I see commercials and advertisements in a magazine, I say to myself, “I can’t relate to her, so why would I buy it?” I want young and older females everywhere to wake and smell the coffee. We are being sold something that isn’t real. We are being sold one image, an unreal one at that. This world is so diverse. We are short, tall, bald, freckled and fat, and it’s time that we are seen. Its time for a revolution. I believe its time that we not only acknowledge that beauty exists in us all, but that it exists in everything.

This change has to start with us however. It starts at home, with parents encouraging there young daughters to love their bodies, to embraces their differences. We have to know that there is beauty in other things. Once we realize that there are so many more faces of beauty and through that learn to love ourselves, we can move towards loving and embracing others.

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Are strangers just friends we havent met yet?

Saturday, May 17, 2008


We dont see things as they are. We see things as WE are.

an interesting quote by Anis Nin. One that I find so true.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Sometimes I feel like a bitch when I think about how you must think that I dont care. But, its actually that Im just too sensitive to let myself care. Maybe thats selfish of me, but when I know you are depressed its hard for me to want to get involed because I have my empathic blockers up. Ill just crumble if I let myself go to that place again. Im sorry. will I ever be a Therapist if I cant get over this?!

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

3 year old sings "Hey Jude"

This is one of the cutest videos Ive ever come across. Watch as this 3 year old sings one the Beatles most popluar songs: Hey Jude. Hes so on key and you can just tell that hes feelin' it and hearing the music in his head as he hums along in between verses. Adorable!

Forgive my language, but this will the whitest post that I will ever have had on here. I usually dont do this but these songs just touch me.

I Hope You Dance- Lee Ann Womack

Forever and for Always- Shania Twain

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

My own banana peel fortune.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Shania Twain- From this Moment

Never knew I had a love for Shania Twain. This is one of the most beautiful songs Ive heard. I dedicate this to my Beau--Patrick. I love you.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Morcheeba - Trigger Hippie

You may recognize this 90's hit lead vocalist from an earlier post. This is Skye Edwards (Love Show)singing Morcheebas most memorable song of the 90'"Trigger Hippie"


Spring break with my two best friends. I love this picture.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

This blog definitely needs a makeover!

Monday, April 21, 2008

I blame the sea: by Emily

I thought this was just so lovely looking.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Thank You Ambrosiality

I came across this video on the website of a fellow blogger. Since then I've been listening to it nonstop. Its a beautiful song sang by a beautiful person. You might recognize her as the lead singer of the 90's trip-hop band Morcheeba. Enjoy!

Skye: Love Show

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Im enrolled in Art 102 in order to complete my art minor at NIU. We're working with Photoshop a hell of a lot which I am not very familiar with. So far we have done 3 projects. Im just now finishig up my 4th one and this Thursday I turn it in. I need an "A" in this class, but so far my grades have been all across the board; a "B" on the first, "A" on the second and then a "C" on the third (sadly). So as you see, I need to get an "A" overall. Im posting them. What d'ya think?

For this project I had to creat post cards that represent my school(NIU) and town (DeKlab).
I got an "A". I was trying to be funny. Dekalb is known for its corn and terrible water, so I thought to play with that a little bit.

For this one here I had to show contrast between life and death. For example Tomatoe- Ketchup bottle or Snowman- wet spot. I procratinated on this project. We had 3 weeks to do it and I ended up doing it the day before it was due :(

He could tell it was half ass and gave me what I deserved: a big fat "C". If you cant already tell, mine depicts the death of a forest for toilet paper. CLEVER....not!

For this one I have to mix text with images. Pick a letter and things that begin with it and play around. I picked "O". O is for: Obama, Owl, Orange, Ocean, Ornatment and Orchid. Im not very satisfied but this the best I can do with my limited skills.

Ok, thats it for now. Ill tell you what grade I got on this last one here.

Monday, April 07, 2008

Grow up or Blow Away!

Sometimes I get so sick and tired of hearing about peoples problems. Deal with it, Ok!? I hate wallowing in self pitty and the pathetic searching for a reason to be unhappy. There is so much to be grateful for. I have stuggled too, with depression and Im trying hard to push past it. Im pushing. I am pushing!! Im not claiming this damned disease any longer and neither should you. Lets pull our selves up by our freakin' bootstraps and be adluts. Im not saying adults can't be sad, Im just saying being in a constant vunerability and rollercoastery (is that word?) is not healthy or progressive. Lets change <3

Santogold LES Artistes

Sydney sent me a link to this video. The artist is Santogold. Shes a black girl from Philly (which is cool). Her styles include New wave, Psychobilly, pop...lots of stuff. I dont know much about her yet, but Ive kinda got a crush on this song. The video is a tad bit disturbing , but the lyrics are good. scroll down and listen without the video if you must.


Saturday, April 05, 2008

Just a Reminder

Some discoveries are best kept to your self!

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

i am not who you think i am

Monday, March 31, 2008

Monday, March 24, 2008

Lauryn Hill: Ex-Factor

This song holds a dear place in my heart. This was my moms song when my parents were divorcing.

Mein Vater

words cannot explain the amount of disdain I have for my sperm donor. i used to think he was the smartest man in the world. lol, and then slowly but surely i find out that hes just a fucking man. jeez, what a let down.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Be Happy

I have always been a dreamer. Forever in a constant state of thoughts of the future and ideas of what would make me a better me. And as long as I can remeber Ive always compared myself to others (I mean, who doesnt?). Its our way of measuring our rank, socially and a way to motivate ourselves. However, this never motivated me. It served as an exact opposite purpose. And I would end up depressed about my underprivaliged life, lack of friends, money, what have you. But it wasnt until I got to know one person in particular that I used to constantly compare myself to. Thats when I found out that she was miserable. I was so shocked. She seemed to have everthing together. This was such a revalation. And thats when I realised the age old saying of looks and deceit that everything became clear to me. Since then Ive tried to be content with what I have and positive things from within as a way to motivate myself. When I think back, I see that things had gotten really terrible. My life was static and meaningless. I was so busy dreaming, comparing and yearning that I never allowed myself to make my dreams come true. Now Im trying to take one day at a time, appreciate the small things that make like special and be happy :)

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Story of my life...until recently

Im rediscovering my love for the Smiths right now. In high school I ached so passionately for a parnter. These words. These words were for me:






and heres a video.

Monday, March 10, 2008

So cute

Sí, se puede

Now I now this campaign is more than about HOPE, but I cant help but be so damned excited.


Please enjoy these videos

Smashing Pumpkins- Disarm

Garbage- The Trick is to Keep Breathing


Thursday, March 06, 2008

Is it unnatural to not really want friends?

Friday, February 29, 2008

Wow, today is February 29. How weird.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

my mother read my entire blog the other day. i left it up the other day, so...

now i know how sydney feels :(

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

My Patrick

Never knew I could feel like this.

Like Ive never seen the sky before.

Want to vanish inside your kiss.

Everyday I love you more

and more.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

why does sex have to feel so good?

Saturday, January 12, 2008

A little fun with

I likey


So....Im back at school. I didnt have to drop out. All thanks to my mother. This semester will be different however. I will be without my better half. This worries me. He was my good luck charm:) I had never been so happy in my whole 20 years on earth. And my grades had never looked so fantastic. I ended up getting: A A A A B B; not bad huh?

Anyway. Ive tried to pump myself up and prepare to be without him. Patrick. I love you so much darling. You havent a clue. But ill be strong this semester and wil rely on my meditation and art to aliviate the sorrow I may develope. This is a new year. And Im happy. And excited. And so so grateful. Thank you Lord for blessing me with what I felt I always needed. He is more than I ever imagined I would ever have.