Today I woke up tired, like I always do. I had absolutely cried myself to sleep. It was terrible. I was listening to a sad song (its what I do) when I drowned in tears and saliva. I set my alarm for 7:22 am so I could call Jeremy, but he called me at 7:35 instead and i was so delighted.
I told him about the horrible night I had as best as I could. Sometimes I feel like such an irrational creature. But Jeremy understands me, and he always uses the Bible to make me feel better, helping me to see the light. He's so special. I wish I could see the future for him, just to put his mind at ease. He deserves it.
Im not the girl I used to be. I dont know if thats good or bad. Theres definitely more imaginagtion there than before. My head can breathe. I can dance with it, and play with it, and things are much more lovlier.
The outside has changed however. And I do things I shouldnt do. Things that no one knows about. And these things dont make me sad, or nervous but I know they shouldnt be done. And I dont shake or pray at night. I do ask for forgiveness.
Ive changed. For better and for worse. And its kinda exciting.
Im so miserable without the Fountainhead. I lost it on the Metra about two weeks ago. I was on page 200. Had 500 hundred more to go. I was starting the section on Ellsworth Toohey. Omg, that book is so amazing. I cant believe I lost it. Im going to call lost and found tomorrow night and see if they found. Oh, I hope they did. I find myself not being able to read any other book because of this. Im head over heals in love with it and wont stop thinking about it until its safely in my hands again. My treasuring every page I turn. Falling more and more in love with it. Every sentence that passes through my lips will be of pure gold and truth. I'll whisper them, as to not obstrue its meaning.