Friday, July 21, 2006

Someone Better

This love is a diferent kind. Hes such a friend. A really good friend. And I know Im not gonna get this kind of love confussed with romance. It doesnt make me anxious or make my heart go pitter-patter.
He is the nicest most sensitive man I have ever met. I dont even know how to gather my thoughts when I try to speak of him, so I wont even try. He makes me dream. Its amazing really, I never remember my dreams for some reason or another. But ever since I met him, hes all I dream about. When I said this kind of love is different thats what I meant by it. He doesnt occupy my waking life with lovey dovey thoughts of him, but when Im asleep...

I love his voice, the way he talks, how he says "mhm" very softly when hes trying to be sexy. I love him. It happened out of nowhere. Usally I force these kinds of things. Im always on the look out for my future husband, thinking that the next man I meet could be him. John Summers caught me completely off gaurd.

One night he called me, I was watching Conan do something with hair gel and his elbow. I answered the phone in mid laugh. John was laughing too. At the same time we said "Sorry, Im watching Conan." We decided to turn our tvs off and recite our day to eachother. Some how we got onto this whole other tanget were talking about coincidence and fate. I was saying that I thought they were one in the same even though I believed in fate but not in coincidence. He was on the fence. I told him a story. It was my first semester at NIU and my roommate and I had decided to do some prank calling. We picked a random name out of the campus phone book and dialed the students number. His name was Andrew Kennedy and I will never forget him. We talked to Andrew for a total of 5 minutes before asking where he stayed on campus. He replied "Grant". Wow, we lived in Grant aswell. What were the odds that we randomly picked someone from there. However, there were four Grant Towers: A B C and D. We, my roommate and I lived on the 12th for in tower c. We asked Andrew what tower he was in. "C" he said. I was laughing by this time. I love it when things like this happen. "What floor do you live on?" We lived on the very top floor, it was an all girls playground. "Im on the 11th floor." My head was spinning. Im saying all of this to John. "Mhm", he says this occasionally.
I later found out that Andrew lived in room 1174, we were in room 1274. He was directly beneathe us. He could not have gotten any closer. I told John that the odds of me picking this mans phone number were so very slim, that I couldnt just chalk this up to coincidence. I told his this had to have meant something. "Maybe I'll marry him or something." John asked me not to say that because it would me that he didnt have a chance with me. I thought that was weird of him to say, but I said ok. At this point I dont think that I loved John. I said "OK, well if he doesnt marry me, then he'll kill me." I was joking. John is sensitive. I thought he was going to laugh. But he didnt think it was funny. I told him I was kiding. He said he knew I was. I put all jokes aside though and said that I did believe that Andrew Kennedy would be apart of my live one way or another. I said that maybe he would be my husbands best friend or something. He went quiet, I could tell he was thinking. Then he said "Hmmmm, I guess he could be my best friend, that would be weird though." I didnt laugh. John wasnt trying to be funny. There was not the tiniest hint of humor in his voice. It wouldve been a cheesy thing to say if he was joking, but both of us knew that he wasnt.

John makes me dream.

One night we were supposed to see eachother but things didnt work out. We ended up talking online. We found a way to tell eachother how we felt without coming right out and saying it. Using the "emoticons" provided by yahoo John typed "I<3 style="color: rgb(255, 102, 102);">
The next day we talked online again but this time with our mics. He is so witty. I love him for that. Hes always making me laugh which is weird, because guys never make me laugh. At one point we were quiet for a whole 2 minutes. I was sitting in the kitchen with the lights off. The computer monitor was turned off too and I could barely see anything. He asked me what I was thinking about. I said "Hakuna matata." He laughed and I asked him what he was thinking about. "Im thinking about what you said last night." I said "nooooo, I told you it slipped out." He said "I know, but I was thinking about how I want to say it too..."

John makes me dream.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

I have been wallowing for some time now and I'm ashamed of myself. For the past month I have not been able to gather words of my own, I've had to live through the words of others. I notice how their deliciously pecon witts mock my mood.

I wish I had someone to love

Sunday, July 02, 2006

The Start of Something

By Voxtrot

This time of night I could call you up
I'd get angry with athletic ease, break common laws in twos and threes
If I die clutching your photograph
Don't call me boring, It's just 'cause I like you
Take me on back... take me back
To the place where I could feel your heart
Is this the end or just the start of
Something really, really beautiful
Wrapped up and disguised as something really, really ugly,

Won't you...

Come by and see me, I'm a love letter away
I'd break your name before I'd say, "I really love you, love you, "
I don't care if you saw, I watched every inch of film
Flash across your features,
And I loved it, loved it; I don't care if

You think I'm eager to shut your eyes, well
I'm sorry-everybody knows you can't break me with your gutter prose
Would you believe it, she sent me a letter,
The ring, it nearly weighs her down, she's got another boy, oh boy
Steady your ears... read my lips
Poetry is not a luxury, it's how I'll break this home
And when I'm really ill, won't you cradle me?
Man is not a noble animal, but maybe woman is, remember,

I heard you...

Inside your room, you said, "You never really live
Until your back's against the wall, " oh did you really mean it?
I never break my gaze, if just to see this scar remain reflected in your eyes
I think it's time to go home

Oh, tell me your thoughts, tell me your thoughts on liberty,
See there's a place where I sink to sleeping
Oh, my vote is as red as my blood
Will you join me for another round? I haven't had the chance to speak yet

God speed...

I break the law once every week to feel your touch,
What's a book to you in bed, Do you feel better, older?
This just makes me ill, your name is dripping from my pen
Still you're not around to curse,
I'll drop the gun now, I'm still under you...

Marianne, let the ghosts sleep tonight.
Marianne, let the ghosts sleep, just shut your eyes and burn the past away.