10. 10. 06
I wonder how productive this week will be. At first I was on top of everything- except Philosophy (that class is still kicking my ass). But now things have slowed down, and I have become more passive about my student duties. I'm not worried yet though, because its only the beginning of the semester and I'm still finding my grove. Besides, nothing can be as bad as it was last year. Depression had me by the throught and it wouldnt let up, not even for one breath. Im glad I've found outlets though; writing, reading (oh yes, Im so terribly happy that I read again!) and of course my beautiful, sensitive, and immensly moving music. What would I do without these things? Adapt, I suppose. I can't imagine being without them now, but I'm sure I'd be able to do it.
Sometimes I feel so beautiful and I feel like life is so beautiful, and sometimes I actually believe it.
A couple of weeks ago after Philosophy, I walked onto this grassy knoll and just sprawled out. I laid my jacket down, then my big red purse and rested my head on them. Thats when Thome York and Bjork came on with "I've seen it all". This song is so beautiful and the sky was beautiful and my skin was so sun-kissed and warm. I was flat on my back and people were kinda walking around me but I couldn't move and I couldnt take my eyes off the sky. It was so massive and I felt so close to it. As the song ran on I felt the wind shoot through my body. That warm big beautiful wind filled me up so. I could barely hold on to myself, so I had to dig into the earth for support. I could feel it; working its way under my nails. Tingling, wet. I believe I had an orgasm; the most beautiful thing you can expereince with the earth. It was so lovely. Afterwards, I wasn't exhausted, not as if I have made love. I wasn't energized either. I was just there, trembeling, warm and wrapped up in the wind. My mind was so still, it was my body that was going crazy...and I let it. I just lay there soaking up the world and its magnificance. Oh, it felt like God was running through my veins and I haven't felt that in so long.
Happy Easter - I wrote this 10 years ago, and didn't post it. I see why. I am not traumatized by religion. I have never had an experience within the church that turned me...
3 months ago